The Rules

I’m getting antsy and was thinking about going out and seeing if I could find this guy I’ve had my eye on tonight. Problem is – that would be breaking my second rule. I only have 2 rules but they are critically important. Rule #1 – Never bring someone to my house who I can be connected to. I have all my fun at my house. And you can never, ever make the mistake of picking up someone who you are even slight acquainted with. Anonymity is key to not getting caught. Rule #2 – Never act impulsively. That got me into trouble. I've made that mistake only once, when I acted impulsively. I'm better at what I do now, and after the one that went really wrong I've learned to never let my guard down or act impulsively.
         I still hate it now, how I'm often drawn into remembering, reliving that one mistake. I normally maintain control, ALWAYS -  rushing into things is not my way of doing things. Having everything perfectly planned out is the only way I do things. I don't always go out knowing who will end up here with me, but I always know when someone will. Only once did I ignore this rule I had for myself and it taught me a very valuable lesson – I better be more prepared than this creep is! When I'm drawn back to that night I let myself go over it - every detail - as though I'm punishing myself for my stupidity. I will NEVER break that rule again! If I run out tonight looking for some fun, that would definitely end up in breaking Rule #2, so I guess I will have to be satisfied sitting at home, maybe watching some home videos, or going through photos. Yes, tonight, my memories will have to keep me happy. Oh - and I can start planning on when the next one will be, and how it will be - that will be fun:)  I'll have to stop and grab some wine on my way home!

I love my toys

Sometimes I sit at home and look over my tools, letting my imagination run wild. And then just when I think I've used them every possible way, another idea jumps into my head. Sometimes the idea comes in the middle of the night, and then I have to get up and write it down before I forget. I have a special penchant for my scalpels, my little control devices, used to terrify someone while they are looking at me completely bewildered, and I can small incisions, as many as I want, because none are really life threatening. There is nothing better than the sense of control or power I have over someone when my razor sharp blades are slicing through flesh like butter. That's the part I love, the part I'm addicted to, and the part that I need again and again.



Ralph was a little while ago now and I'm already looking forward to the next one. It's been on my mind for a couple days, I'm getting restless. I think I have my next one picked out already, my heart's been set on him for awhile. But I have to wait until the time is right. Patience is a virtue:)

Confession

       Normally, I like to sleep in, but no such luck today. My sweet dreams were interrupted this morning by the sunlight pouring in my bedroom window at an obscene hour (dawn, presumably). Unfortunately, I'm one of those cursed people who are awake for the day the second my eyes crack open and are invaded by the light of day. So, I got up and dragged my hung-over body into the kitchen to put a pot of coffee on (a full pot this morning). I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and I looked like hell, make-up smudged down the right side of my face and left over hairspray now looking like dandruff in my normally perfectly coiffed hair. Well, the way I looked certainly matched the way I felt. I showered quickly because that cup of coffee could not be in my hands fast enough.
        Anyway, I settled down at the kitchen table with my coffee and pushed my research data out of the way (although I should have reviewed a couple of days ago). I picked up yesterday's paper and came across a little article that caught my eye. The article was about a young man - we'll call him Ralph- who had recently gone missing. The missing man's brother denied the possibility that Ralph had run off even though he was recently being accused of some sort of sketchy business dealings. However, police stated they 'had no reason right now to suspect foul play.' As I skimmed through the article I put my coffee down on the table and moved my hand past the mug to the knife just behind it. Caressing the handle of my favorite toy, I couldn't help but smile. They don't know where "Ralph" is. It's my little secret.
       

And then there were more...

Ralph was only one of my many secrets, one of the many times I had fun with my favorite knife that way. It is the perfect knife - I sharpen it myself in my barn out back. The handle is long enough to hold with both hands and the blade never seems to cease calling me. It's been too long since Ralph, and I'm getting bored.